"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Randomize
