Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
