barbara walters just said penis...
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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