I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
