fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Randomize
