I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Randomize
