do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Randomize
