between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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