we're chasing vodka with high fives
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize
