I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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