Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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