When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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