The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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