The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
