Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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