Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
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