Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
