Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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