I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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