So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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