Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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