My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
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