Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Randomize
