Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
