Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
