Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
