I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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