I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
