wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
