Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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