R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
