Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
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