no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
