I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Randomize
