I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
