i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
pray to the hookup gods
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Randomize
