I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
