i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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