I faked an abortion last night.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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