He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
