just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
not ubering you a puppy
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
