I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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