I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
