Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
