Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
