ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
My ass is underappreciated
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
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