She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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