This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
