who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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