you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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